And then I see what I forgot, that East Middle School is right across the street from the cemetery and inside are the people my age who I knew and who I do not want to see now. I see instead a bus coming and I wave to the driver, feeling in my pockets for coins.
Rabbits and rodents are both mammals but a rabbit is not a rodent. They are part of a different family. A family is a fundamental social group typically consisting of a man and woman and their offspring. It can also be two or more people who share goals and values, have long term commitments to each other, and usually reside in the same dwelling place. Families are also a way like species and orders to organize how all kinds of animals are related to each other. A father is the male parent of an animal. Most animals have nervous systems, sense organs, and specialized modes of locomotion, and are adapted for securing, ingesting, and digesting food.
On my ride I don't see any blue ribbons on tree branches or car antennas or pinned to peoples' clothes. I have changed so much and learned so much it's like everyone is moving slower than I am and I can tell what they'll do next or even what they are thinking. Yes I'm sad to be alone but it's fun too or at least satisfying to see all that I can do for myself.
When I see the shopping mall I pull the cord and climb down. I'm crossing the parking lot and my shadow is long and thin, slanting away with my head rounded by the stocking cap. Then the black shadow of a crow slides along the pavement next to me, across me. It squawks and bends straight up a brick wall. I look into the sky and there's nothing there.
Fluorescent lights are not healthy for you and they are everywhere in the mall. I've been here before though and it's warm inside and the crowds make it safe, the open spaces that are not inside any store where people ask if they can help you. No one keeps track of you at the mall.
Mervyn's, J. C. Penney's, Mrs. Fields Cookies. They have stores of everything: caramel corn, teddy bears, jewelry, sunglasses. A fountain out in the middle where people throw coins into the water. Near there stands a tall fake candy cane and a throne and a sign for Santa Claus. He's not there. Christmas is almost a month away but the music is playing in the air.
I turn around. No one is looking at me even if it feels that way.
I have forgotten to eat, which is a mistake. Everything around me is a corn dog or hamburger. A&W Root Beer, McDonald's, Taco Time. I take three toothpicks of cheese from Pepperidge Farm, dig nuts out of the bag in my backpack. My legs are tired since my pack is heavy. The sleeping bag is light and rolls down small but there's also all the papers and Randy and the mammals book, Father's notebook and knives, the dictionary and the food. I want to set it down for a while so I sit down on a bench with it on the floor. I take out an apple and eat it while people walk past not looking at me.
Across from where I'm sitting is a sewing store and in the window fabric is all unrolled and hanging. One long piece is dark blue with yellow and orange birds swooping across it and squirrels down along the bottom. I almost forget my pack when I stand up to look closer.
The smallest piece of fabric I can buy is a yard which costs ten dollars. The lady who tells me this has thick eyeglasses and a measuring tape over the shoulders of her brown cardigan sweater.
"What are you making?" she says.
"I don't know," I say. The truth is I saw it and it made me happy.
"All right," she says. "Will there be anything else?"
"No," I say.
Once I watch her cutting the fabric and the silver scissors going through it I have another idea.
With the fabric folded in tissue paper inside my pack I go down the long back hallway until I find the women's restroom. I wash my face and in the stall I hang my coat. The stall door is made of steel and has initials and curse words scratched into it.
I wet the bottom of my T-shirt and back in the stall wipe it over myself and put on a clean shirt. The one I was wearing smells like smoke. Later I will change my underwear but first I take off my cap and wet my hair down. It smells like smoke too and the water brings out the smell. In my pack I find my broken off half of a comb and comb my hair straight down past my shoulders. The faucet is automatic when I put my hand there which is hard to learn and keeps starting and stopping.
There's mirrors on two walls at the corner of the sinks so I can see the front and side of my head at the same time. With my coat off Father's bracelets clink around my wrists so I take them off and stack them on the counter. I take his long sharp scissors from the oilskin case and it's easier to cut the left side of my hair than the right where I have to turn my hand upside down and can't exactly see the blades cutting. The bleached part of my hair goes from my ears down and my regular black hair is above. The line between them is uneven and a little blurry and that's what I follow. My hair will be all black again, just like it always was back in the forest park.